Category Archives: Humor
What’s going on?
A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the intersection. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, ‘What’s going on?’
The man replied,’Terrorists down the road have kidnapped George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. They’re asking for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise they’re going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.’
The driver asks, ‘How much is everyone giving, on average?’
‘Most people are giving about a gallon.’
Father, son and the donkey!
Folk story>> A man and his son along with their donkey were going through a jungle .
Suddenly they were accosted by a person who said ,’ Both of you are walking along with your donkey . At least one of you should ride the donkey.’
Hearing this , the father put his son on the donkey .
After sometime, they met another person ,who said to the son ‘,Imagine a young man riding a donkey while the father walks behind .Shame on you .’
Hearing this , the father asked the son to get down and mounted the donkey himself .
After some time they met another person , who said ,’Your donkey is strong enough to carry both of you . Why walk in the sun ?’
So the father asked his son also to ride the donkey .
After some time they met another person who said, ‘Imagine both of you riding a poor donkey. Shame on you ,’
This time , the father did not know what to do
That is life . You can’t please one and all. Listen to all, think it over but decide yourself what to do. Anyway, whatever you do, it is okay by me, only don’t carry the donkey.
LEADERSHIP TEST!!
While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with the Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows! if they’re intelligent. “I do so by asking them the right questions,” says the Kalam. “Allow me To demonstrate.” Bush watches as the kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says,
“Mr.Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister.
Who is it?”
Manmohan immediately responds, “It’s me, Sir !.” “Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir,” says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, “Did you get that, Mr. Bush?” Bush nods: “Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I’ll definitely be using that!” Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he’d better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the White House and says, “Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a question for me.”
“Why, of course, sir. What’s on your mind?” Bush poses the question: “Uhh, your mother has a child, and your! father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?” Rice was puzzled and finally asks, “Can I think about it and get back To you?” Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, out nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls Colin Powell and explains the problem.
“Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Powell answers immediately, “It’s me, of course.” Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, “I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It’s our Colin Powell!”
And Bush replies in disgust, “Wrong, you Jackass, its Manmohan Singh!”
Better relationship
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Dr. you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.” “What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.
“Well, I am 35 years old and I sill have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you will have women buzzing all around you.”
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. “Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.” “So, what’s your problem?” Doctor asked.
I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
Pakistan First!
..Like when General Musharraf introduced his ‘modern enlightenment’ philosophy tagged with the slogan “Pakistan First”, a joke was on SMS that his wife complained that he has not been screwing her lately – and the General candidly replied: Pakistan First.
Excerpt from the article “jokes Too Far” written by Wajid Ali Syed.
Source – http://www.wichaar.com/news/292/ARTICLE/15691/2009-08-10.html
Jokes Too Far
by: Wajid Ali Syed
Courtesy: Wichaar.com, August 10th, 2009
You can’t deny the importance of humor in life. One of the first steps to ensuring a nation’s death is to regulate and ban its humor. Humor implies tolerance. Without it a people wither on the vine. Humor is not necessarily portable. People the world over can relate to Three Stooges-like pratfalls and jokes about meddlesome mothers-in-law or nagging wives or hapless husbands. Many American jokes could probably be enjoyed in Pakistan, like this one: What’s the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus? You only need one nail to hang up a picture of Jesus.
Making a fool of oneself!
In a train that was about to leave the platform, one person came rushing in a compartment . There was already another person seated there.. He said to the person already seated ‘, My God! It is so hot.’ And he switched on the A/C
The other person got annoyed , and said to himself ,,Evidently he has no manners .He did not ask for my permission to start the A/C .’ So he said,’it is already cool .Don’t start the A/c. So they got into an argument and nearly came to blows.
Meantime the guard arrived on the scene and said, ‘What is this argument about?’ Both the passengers turned to him and gave their versions .. The guard replied, My God! But the A/C is out of order.’
Lucky Wife!
A lady said to her friend ,’ My husband now after the marriage is a millionaire.’ Her friend inquired,’ What was he before the marriage? The lady replied, ‘A billionaire.’
Marriage
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
Welcome to WALL STREET: Current world financial situation
Once upon a time in a village in India, a man announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10.
The villagers seeing there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10, but, as the supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their efforts. The man further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to $25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now act as buyer, on his behalf.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers: ‘Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when he returns from the city, you can sell them back to him for $50.’
The villagers squeezed together their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man or his assistant again, only monkeys everywhere!
Welcome to WALL STREET.
ANGEL ON EARTH
A person said proudly to his friend ,’ My wife is an angel.’
His friend replied ,’You are lucky . Mine is still alive .’
Only in Czech republic – Deputy Prime minister slaps the health minister
Czech republic Vice president/Deputy Prime minister slaps the health minister
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost
A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I am.”
The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be in Information Technology,” said the balloonist.
“I am,” replied the woman, “how did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is probably technically correct, but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”
Coincidence
Teacher: “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?
One student: “Sir, my mother and father got married on the same day and at the same time.”
Something to be proud about
A lady said,’ My husband now after the marriage is a millionaire.’
Her friend inquired,” What was he before the marriage?
The lady replied, ‘A billionaire.’
The secret of Sweetness
A person said to his friend,’ Credit to you. Even after 1O years of marriage, you are speaking so sweetly to your wife on the telephone.’
The friend replied, ‘But that is not my wife. It is yours.’
Humor
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers.
The guy says, “Who is this?”
“This is the maid,” answers the woman.
“We don`t have a maid,” says the man.
The woman says, “I was hired this morning by the woman of the house.”
The man says, “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?”
The woman replies, “She is upstairs in the bed room with someone who I figured was her husband.”
Girlfriends
A girlfriend knows your deep dark secrets, but likes you anyway. Girlfriends are no farther away than the phone, even if it’s 4 am in the morning. A good girlfriend is hard to find, impossible to replace and never forgotten.
The survey was a huge failure;
In Africa they didn’t know what ‘* food*’ meant,
In India they didn’t know what ‘*honest*’ meant,
In Europe they didn’t know what ‘* shortage*’ meant,
In China they didn’t know what ‘*opinion*’ meant,
In the Middle East they didn’t know what ‘*solution *’
meant,
In South America they didn’t know what ‘*please*’
meant,
And in the USA they didn’t know what ‘* the rest of the
world*’ meant!
“The hell it should had!?
A disappointed salesman of a Cola returns from his Middle East assignment.
A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Arabs?”
The salesman explained
“When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch as Cola is virtually unknown there. But, I had a problem I didn’t know to speak Arabic. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…
First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand…totally exhausted and fainting.
Second poster: The man is drinking our Cola.
Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed.
And then these posters were pasted all over the place
“Then that should have worked!” said the friend.
“The hell it should had!? said the salesman. Didn’t realize that Arabs read from right to left“
To call a thief a thief
To call a thief a thief
In other countries, you used to call a thief a thief but in Pak you call them government officers.
Logical reason: Teacher: “Why are you always late for school.” Student: “Because you always ring the bell before I get there.”
Ask Almighty Allah, why is it so?
-Mohammad Khan Sial
Mohammad Khan Sial can be reached at sialmk@yahoo.com
Pathan, Sindhi, Balochi and Seraiki asked one “Firshtaa”, where-ever, we go, we find Punjabi sitting everywhere in all departments of Pakistan. Ask Almighty Allah, why is it so?
“Firshtaa” replied: “Main Hunn Hi Gayaa, Hunn Hi Aayaa“
An Arab & a Sindhi
One day an Arab came to Radio club and sat in a corner with a worried face.
One Sindhi saw him and asked ,’Why all this sorrow?’
The Arab replied,’ I am suffering from a rare disease and I need a particular type of blood which is available only in India.’
And he named the rare blood group.
The Sindhi jumped up and said, ‘ God be praised. What luck.! That is my blood group . I will gladly give my blood to you.’
The Arab was so pleased that on the next day , he presented a Mercedes car and Rs. 5OO, OOO to our Sindhi .
Afterwards they went together to the hospital.
The Doctors complimented the two on successful transfusion of blood.
After one year, the same Arab returned to India and contacted our Sindhi friend .
But this time the Arab gave nothing to the Sindhi.
The Sindhi was perplexed and said to the Arab,’ Why brother! You are angry with me!.You are offering me absolutely nothing this time.”
The Arab smiled and said ‘No brother. I cannot be angry with you. But please remember. I have now your blood in my veins.’
Now the same joke in Colloquial phonetic Roman Sindhi script.
Fishing
Two men went fishing. One was an experienced fisherman, the other wasn’t. Every time the experienced fisherman caught a big fish, he put it in his ice chest to keep it fresh. Whenever the inexperienced fisherman caught a big fish, he threw it back.
The experienced fisherman watched this go on all day and finally got tired of seeing the man waste good fish. “Why do you keep throwing back all the big fish you catch?” he asked.
The inexperienced fisherman replied, “I only have a small frying pan.”
Why Bill Gates might Sell OFF Microsoft!
I had recently purchased a new computer with Microsoft Windows as the Operating system (O/S) and was unhappy with the same and writes a letter to Bill Gates, regarding the same.
Dear Mr. Bill Gates,
We have bought a computer for our home and we have found some problems, which I want to bring to your notice.
1. There is a button ‘start’ but there is no ‘stop’ button. We request you to check this.
2. One doubt is whether any ‘re-scooter’ is available in system? I find only ‘re-cycle’, but I own a scooter at my home.
3. There is ‘Find’ button but it is not working properly. My wife lost the door key and we tried a lot trace the key with this ‘find’ button, but was unable to trace. Please rectify this problem.
4. My child has learnt ‘Microsoft word’ now he wants to learn ‘Microsoft sentence’, so when you will provide that?
5. I bought computer, CPU, mouse and keyboard, but there is only one icon which shows ‘My Computer’ when you will provide the remaining items?
6. It is surprising that windows says ‘MY Pictures’ but there is not even a single photo of mine. So when will you keep my photo in that
7. There is ‘MICROSOFT OFFICE’ what about ‘MICROSOFT HOME’ since I use the PC at home only.
8. You provided ‘My Recent Documents’. When you will provide ‘My Past Documents’?
9. You provide ‘My Network Places’. For God sake please do not provide ‘My Secret Places’. I do not want to let my wife know where I go after my office hours.
Last one to Mr. Bill Gates: Sir, how is it that your name is Gates but you are selling WINDOWS?
Nine words women often use…
1.) Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2.) Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.) Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4.) Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!
5.) Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.) That’s Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.) Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you’re welcome. 8.) Whatever : Is a women’s way of saying ‘to hell with it’!
9.) Don’t worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
This is how business is done! Think +++++ve
This is Awesome Father : “I want you to marry a girl of my choice” Son : “I will choose my own bride!”
Father : “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.” Son : “Well, in that case…ok”
Next – Father approaches Bill Gates. Father : “I have a husband for your daughter.” Bill Gates : “But my daughter is too young to marry!” Father : “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.” Bill Gates : “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank. Father : “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president. ” President : “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!” Father : “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.” President : “Ah, in that case…ok”
This is how business is done!!
Moral: Even If you have nothing,You can get Anything. But your attitude should be positive. Think +++v.
Some thoughts of men
Thought 1: When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2: The average man’s life consists of : Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going, Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; and at the end, the mourners wondering too.
Thought 3: A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.” The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was
astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed,
just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. The man asked. “Who are you?” “I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered. “Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the hell were you when I got married?”
This is the best!!! Thought 4
Continue reading Some thoughts of men
NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN!
A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his Friends.
We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that Promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough Clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up” ” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?
He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?”
You’ll love the answer… The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box
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