Smokers’ Corner: Heady in Houston
By: Nadeem F. Paracha
Last week, one of the most popular and handsome Pakistani politician, Ya Sheikh Rashid (sometimes also called the Clint Eastwood of Pakistan), was detained for over five hours at the Houston Airport in the United States of America.
Reports say that Rashid was held by the US authorities due to a tip-off they had received from a memo written by US-citizen-Pakistani-patriot-Blackberry-spokesperson-Honourable-Muslim-moustache-holder, Mansur Jihad, in which he had claimed that Ya Sheikh had arrived in the US on the instructions of the radical Difa-e-Popsicle Council (DPC).
While interrogating Ya Sheikh in a secretly located cigar lounge at the otherwise no-smoking airport, US authorities, after marvelling at Ya Sheikh’s collection of Cuban cigars, confiscated them, leaving Ya Sheikh in great agony and cold sweat.
Ya Sheikh is said to have told the authorities that their actions were against the Geneva Convention and that he will drag them all to the International Court of Justice at The Hague for this outrage.
Following his threat, he is reported to have added: ‘Dekhiieennnn … (seeeee …), I am true Pakistani patriot so give me back my Cuban cigars.’
When one of his interrogators asked him why, if he was such a patriot, he was smoking Cuban cigars instead of Pakistani ones, Ya Sheikh said: ‘Daikhiieeenn … Cubans are brotherly nation of motherly Pakistan. We have historical links with Cuba. Our fatherly ancestors traded on grandfatherly camels with sisterly Cubans during golden age of our faith. Cuba is most beautiful nation of central Asia.’
The interrogator was taken aback: ‘Central America, you mean?’
‘No, Central Asia,’ Sheikh is said to have corrected the interrogator. ‘You Americans are so ignorant. Cuba is located between Kirghizstan and Azerbaijan, bhai jaan.’
Believing Ya Sheikh who was now seriously suffering from cigar withdrawal, another interrogator went in for the kill. Insiders report the following interaction between the two:
‘Mr. Sheikh, what is your relationship with Difa-e-Popsicle Council?’
‘Daikhiieeeenn … the Difa is internal matter of Bakistan.’
‘Of Pakistan, you mean?’
‘No, Bakistan. We Pakistanis can’t pronounce P.’
‘But you just did. You said, Pakistanis.’
‘No, Bakistanis.’
‘I thought only Arabs couldn’t pronounce P.’
‘That’s true. Thus, we Pakistanis can’t pronounce it either.’
‘But you just did, again!’
‘Diakhiieeennn… you are wasting my time. I am here on invitation of Bresident Push.’
‘President Bush?’
‘Yes, Bresident Push.’
‘But he’s not the President anymore. Obama is now the President.’
‘Osama?’
‘No, Obama.’
‘Osama is not in Bakistan.’
‘Osama’s dead.’
‘The President’s dead?’
‘Why are you really here, Mr. Sheikh?’
‘Difa-e-Bobsicle has sent me.’
‘Aha! Why to Houston?’
‘Dhaikhiiieennnn… if Bakistan government doesn’t stop Nato supply route in Bakistan, we will stop Nasa supply route in Houston!’
‘And why would you do that?’
‘Because we want to take the moon from you. The moon belongs to us!’
‘I see. Did you guys send a man to the moon as well?’
‘No. But we do follow a lunar calendar.’
‘Sir, you seem to be really missing your cigars.’
‘Daikhieeennn… you can torture our brotherly Cuban cigars, but they will never betray us. The moon belongs to the ummah. We will get you out of there by blocking Nasa supply route and sending our drones against you occupiers.’
‘But we don’t have anybody on the moon.’
‘You are brotherly liars! We have seen American troops on moon.’
‘I see…’
‘See! You see them too, no?’
‘No. I meant …’
‘You can’t see?’
‘See what?’
‘Sisterly moon.’
‘So you will drone the moon?’
‘Yes, God willing.’
‘But you don’t have any drones, do you?’
‘I am proud to be fusst Pakistani… I mean, fusst Bakistani to announce, Difa-e-Bobsicle has developed fusst Bakistani drone.’
‘Really? Diffa-e-Popsicle has scientists in it as well?’
‘Yes, spiritual scientists. We are very spiritual beobles, y’know.’
‘Spiritual like Buddhists?’
‘No, you ignorant Christian crusader fool!’
‘Then spiritual like Sufi saints?’
‘Uff… if only I had drone now, I will strike you like your drones strike our innocent militants!’
‘How can militants be innocent?’
‘You Americans have no humanitarianism, no pity, no horticulture …’
‘Horticulture?’
‘Yes. What’s wrong with your English? Anyway, I want famous Texan steak.’
‘So you like our steaks but hate us?’
‘I like your cows. Especially the rump area.’
‘So, who in Diffa-e-Popsicle made the anti-moon drone?’
‘The most brilliant scientist in Central Asia: Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr. Zaid Warhead.’
‘Dr. Dr. Dr. Dr.?’
‘Yes, he is Doctor four times over. PhD, medical, media, mental. He has made more effective drone. It’s armed with burning hot air and is powered by Thar coal.’
‘So it fires hot air?’
‘Yes. Scared?’
‘Very. Sir, here are your cigars. You can go.’
‘Thank you, American Christian imperialist Crusader.’
‘Sir, I’m actually Jew.’
‘Yahood-o-nisara!’
‘Is that your national language?’
‘Yes.’
‘Urdu?’
‘Arabic.’
‘You guys speak Arabic?’
‘No. But we should. Can I go now, you conniving American imperialist Crusader materialist decadent Jew?’
‘Yes, you can.’
‘By the way…’
‘Yes?’
‘Does Hurston have a Disneyland?’
Courtesy: DAWN.COM
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